Friday, May 17, 2013

Back at square one...

So, another one bites the dust. It's kind of depressing really. My Cool Rider turned out not to be so cool after all. I was hoping I would be past the bitterness already, but it's sticking around longer than I had hoped. Man, after all the shit I have gone through I really had hoped this was it. I really had hoped that I was at that final stretch. I suppose it really could have been if I would have kept letting things slide and sacrificing the happiness I was striving for....God. I sound depressing. I can hear those cats meowing now....Whoa. Ok. Maybe not that far. At least not yet anyway.
   It turns out that I really can't stand pot. I HATE it. I hate the smell, I hate the thought of it, and I hate the fact that a guy felt more connected to that than he did with me. Pot was the crutch that he used to help keep him anchored to the life he was living. Him and his damn friends coming to my house and the smoke wafting through the cracks in the doors. Just thinking about it is enough to get me on edge. I am going to step on a pedestal for a second and say that I don't think it should be illegal, even if I don't like it. I don't see the harm in it compared to other things that people could be doing. I personally just don't like the smell of it or even find it appealing to even want to try hence, never having tried it. I really just think that it kept him held back from being the great man that I know he could be. I just wish he would give himself a chance.
   I am at that point in my life that I do want to get towards finding someone to settle down with and start a family with, but I think that he was just too broken from before that I couldn't do anything to help him. I tried. I tried everything I could, but I could only do so much when he wouldn't let me in. It's a horrible feeling when you live with someone and you feel alone or even just feel like a roommate. Rather than talk to me when he knew I was upset or something he just avoided it and became distant all together. It didn't make him feel comfortable so he didn't want to deal with it. For a while I was trying to be okay with the fact he hadn't taken me on a date in months, he stopped cuddling with me when watching tv, and even stopped holding my hand. I honestly have never worked so hard to make a relationship work than I did with Cool Rider. I don't think I even tried that hard with Captain Douchebag.
     I'm trying not to be really depressing. Really, I am. I am sucked into this void that I can't pull myself out of. I have always  been known for being a hopeless romantic. I find myself questioning those things I used to hold on to and I can feel those things slipping away. In a way it makes me feel better because then I am not putting too high of expectations on something and then getting sorely disappointed. However, I hate it. I really do. I still want to have hope of a "true love", a soul mate, something. The whole thing is getting fuzzy though.
    I can't stand the bitterness either. I am not sure how to get out of this funk I am in, but any help would be appreciated. I think I came out of this relationship even more battered and bruised than I was before going in. I know I'm not supposed to pick up all the pieces and I should just pick up what I can and move on. I want those pieces though. I worked so hard for those pieces and to leave them behind is hard for me to do. Those badges laying on the ground were what I earned for hurdling over my issues and actually putting myself back into a relationship. Damn you, Cool Rider. Damn you. The least you could have done was pick up those damn leaves and branches you left lying on my lawn during the winter. Yeah, I'm pissed. Not only did I have to clean those up after the snow melted and it started getting warm out, but because they sat on my lawn from when the first snow fell down to when the spring thaw came I now have four spots on my lawn of ridiculously hideous and dead grass. Four! My lawn is already in bad enough shape. Seriously though. How hard would it have been to clean them up when they were raked and chopped down? He had a truck to haul stuff away. We had garbage bags. His friends were over all the time it wasn't like they couldn't have helped him. After all, one of them was pretty much the one that started the piles in the first place. Fucker.
     This really is a depressing post. Sorry about that. I just needed to vent a little again and felt like I should post something. I know not many people read this thing anyway, but hey. Whatever. After the dust settled with everything another thought hit me. I'm back in the dating pool again. FML. Whoever thought of this whole dating thing really should be shot. It is one of the most miserable activities that one can fill their time with. It is one of those necessities though. That is if you don't want a mail order bride/groom and want to have a meaningful relationship with who you procreate with. It's just so much effort. I'm exhausted thinking about it. I've never been a good salesperson and that's basically what you are doing. You try to persuade the person of your interest that you are a worthy creature to mate with and start a family. In reality, we are all kind of like a prostitute. Granted, we don't get all cracked out on meth, strut on a corner and have to oil the hinges on our thighs before each "date", but it's the same basic concept. Sell your product. How degrading. How depressing. Especially for those that suck at selling things. People like me. So since I am not a cracked out hooker I have to start "selling my product" again and hope that I can find a great potential "buyer".
    This could be good news for you folks that still read this though. There is the potential to some new material that could provide a few minutes of entertainment for you while you wait for the new season of your favorite show to start again. I could also go back to my stories from where I left off. I did find my list. Yes, I made a list. I am very forgetful and wanted to make sure I got things in somewhat the right order and I didn't miss any good ones. Things overlap and run together for me. Hell, there are some things that I don't remember until someone tells me that they happened and I wouldn't have thought of in a million years. Shit happens. Anyway, I guess we will see what happens next.

2 comments:

  1. First of all, I don't think this post is depressing at all. I think relationships are complex and the disintegration of your last one has left you with some understandable, albeit negative, emotions.
    It's the nature of the beast.
    I do see what you're saying about "selling" oneself when in the dating pool. Exhausted by it? Don't do it. You can be ready to settle down, but you don't have to put yourself out there. Just be you. Just do you. The right guy will walk by the window, see the one thing not all hyped up and "buy me" and he'll want it. The right guy is the guy that comes out of nowhere, that wants you for YOU, flaws and all, and you don't have to do a damn thing to get his attention other than just be yourself.
    You're a damned good catch. The right guy will come along. Let him. ;)

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  2. Yeah, I'm working on that. Patience hasn't always been my strongest suit.

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