All aboard the crazy express

I think I mentioned before that I have been pretty lucky so far when it comes to crazy exes. I have also been pretty lucky in not having very many crazy potentials as well. However, one's luck can only go so far until it runs out and you find that person that is bat shit crazy. Enter, Mr. Crazy Pants. I could probably save a lot of time in saying that yes, I met him online. Of course. Why would I meet him anywhere else?  Now that that's out of the way we can get onto the story.

So Mr. Crazy Pants seemed nice enough. They always do in the beginning. I'm a firm believer that the good majority of people put up a front for a good span of time in the beginning. Especially the crazy ones. They have to try to show you they aren't off their fucking rocker so they can get you hook, line and sinker. Once they get you it's near impossible to get out. Once you do I am pretty sure you suffer from a small grade form of PTSD for a period of time. Hence, the issues, walls and guards people have. Everyone is trying to rule out the crazy ones. Now, don't get me wrong. Everyone is a little crazy. There is good crazy, bad crazy, sick crazy, and bat shit crazy. Then there is the scale on how attractive you are as to which crazy you can put up with. The hotter they are the more likely someone is able to put up with their shenanigans. There's a whole youtube video on this. Go look. I'll wait.

As I was saying, this guy seemed decent enough. Had a pretty decent job and had hit a couple rough patches but seemed to be working on things. I try not to criticize people too much on their situation in life because you always have to take into account where they started from. That, and if they are actually working to make themselves better. So he seemed like he was on the up and up and we got along pretty well. I enjoyed his conversation and genuinely looked forward to talking to him again. That doesn't happen too often anymore. It's hard to find someone that can keep my interest in a conversation and make me want to keep talking to them.

Things keep going fairly well and I am thinking that at some point we are going to talk about setting up a meeting or something. So I let him know when my days off are and when I am not on call so he knows when it would be easier to get together. After the first week he indicated he may want to try to get together that weekend. The weekend rolls around and I keep my plans clear in hopes that we are going to make plans and he decides that he wants to go to Soda Springs to see his mom for the weekend so he can't. Maybe sometime next week. Ok. Fine. Whatever. So we keep talking and things seem alright. He asks me one night if we can talk on the phone since we hadn't met in person yet just so he can hear what I sound like. Ok, I'll bite. After all, that is what a phone is for, right?

He calls and we talk on the phone a bit. I start getting the feeling he really isn't having a great time on this conversation. He sounds really distracted, he isn't being very talkative, and just not how it was when we would text. Huh. K. Weird. He decides he is going to let me go he just wanted to hear my voice and we could go back to texting. As we go back to texting I tell him, "It doesn't really seem like you were all that interested in our conversation. I hope I wasn't boring you." No response for about five minutes. Then, the crazy train pulls up. Oh, and this is one time that I wish I had screenshots of my conversation with this guy because it was pretty epic, and I am pretty sure I will miss something but here goes.....(Keep in mind I am going from memory and so this might not be word for word here)

Him - "Really? That's kind of rude to say to someone."
Me - "Uhh...Why? I think what I was implying was that I was boring?"
Him - "I can't believe I have been wasting my time. Why would I call you if I wasn't interested? Talk to you on the phone?"
Me - "I was just asking a question. You seemed really distracted and not really interested in what we were talking about. I wasn't trying to be rude."
Him - "Whatever. This is a joke. I don't need this."
Me - "Uhh K?"

I don't get a response for a few minutes.....

Him - "You know, now I see why you are single." (Well that escalated quickly. Oh, is that it? I was wondering....)
Me - "Ouch. Really? Ok. We are done. I don't need this from someone I have never met before over asking a simple question."
Him - "You say you know what you want and that you are tired of games and here you are playing them. This is a joke. You are a joke. You are going to be single forever." (Says the guy acting like he is two)
Me -
Him "What? Nothing to say? Come on. You are just going to let things go like this? I thought we had a connection. I thought that this was something real. Say something. Anything."
Me -
Him - "I know you have something to say. This is ridiculous. I have been trying to meet you and you still haven't even met me yet. What kind of game are you playing? Say something at least."
Me -
Him - "I can see you typing (he has an iphone as well). I deserve an answer why you are going to write things off like that. I deserve an answer.I have invested 100% into this. You said you were all in and now I can see that's a bunch of shit."
Me - "First of all, we have been talking for a week and a half. (Yeah, you read that right. Holy hell.) We haven't even met yet and for you to belittle me that easily over asking a simple question makes me uninterested in meeting you what so ever. I don't have an interest in someone that will treat me like shit especially, when we haven't even met. So yeah, I am done."

At this point he calls me because I didn't have the balls to call him on the phone and tell him all this. I was taking the easy way out and doing it over text and being disrespectful. His conversation is a mix of the one above and then goes into the "I'm sorry. Please. Don't be done." and then he cries. Or attempts to. Or something. I am not even sure. For real, dude? I tell him that this is me on the phone telling him that I am done and I don't want to talk anymore. I repeat, lose my number. "Ok. I'm sorry. Goodbye"

But is he done? Psh.

Him - "I am sorry. I was just upset. You said that I was boring and I took it personally. I just really like you and want to meet you so bad. We click so well and we haven't even met. I am just really all in on this. I will meet you right now. I will drive where ever you want and meet you just to show you I am serious."
Me - "No. I said I was done and I am done. I never said you were boring. I didn't even imply it. It was nothing directed to you at all, and if asking one simple question is going to piss you off this early then I don't want to see what it is like down the road. So no, we aren't going to meet."
Him - "No. Please. I am sorry. I told you I was sorry. I was just upset. Don't do this. I will come meet you, please. You know I love you like a person. I even got you a birthday present. Let me give it to you" (Uh. Birthday present? For fucks sake. I. What? No. We haven't even met yet!!)
Me - "No. Please lose my number. I am done."
Him - "I knew you were full of shit. I try to tell you that I would meet you right now and you don't want to. You were never all in you were never 100% into me. You were just full of shit. Just stay single."
Me - (Man, this guy is full of compliments) "Wow. Just wow. Please, like I said. Lose my number. I no longer have any interest in meeting you any longer. While I appreciate the thought of the birthday present it is a little much for me. Please just leave me alone." (If there are more men like you then yes, I will gladly stay single.)

After about another half hour of him texting me similar responses, he finally stopped and said he would lose my number. I was so worried over the next few days that I would hear from him again and it made my stomach turn. Anyone that knows me knows that I am not one for the drama. Please, leave me out of it. I do not handle it well. I am not one for confrontation, drama or anything of the sorts. My anxiety goes through the roof and frankly, I am just too nice for any of it. Unless, you piss me off. Which this guy did. Call me out if I have done something, but don't deflect your shit on me and treat me badly and belittle me. I'm worth more than that. 


I really wish I had those screenshots because the actual conversation was pure blog gold. Like 24K. Oh well. Maybe next time.

Same shit, different age.

Since my last post I have turned 30, so I feel like I should share my new found knowledge with the people that still like to be entertained by my posts. First of all, dating still sucks. If anything it's worse. I have gotten to the point in life that I really don't have a lot of fucks to give when it comes to bullshit anymore with dating. Don't want to hang out with me? Fine. Don't want to text me back? Fine. Want to just send vague responses and only emojis back on a snap chat? Fine. You do you, boo.

Secondly, being 30 and being in the position I am personally in, makes me feel useless. I have gone to school and graduated. I have done my apprenticeship and am now a licensed mortician. I have bought a house and I have a cute tank of a dog to go with it. Now what? What do I work towards? Obviously, I need to find some new hobbies or something, but that takes a lot of effort that I am not sure if I want to expend. Don't get me wrong, there are things that I would like to get into or hobbies I would like to take up, but most of them involve me doing them with a partner of sorts. I know what you are going to say, "Don't you have friends?". Why yes, yes I do. However, there are just some things that in my mind I would just like to become a thing with a significant other. I have come to find that being in my position, at my age, is just kind of awkward and feels slightly off kilter. The majority of my friends are doing the married with kids thing, the kids thing, or just the married thing. The small percentage of those that are still in my boat are becoming few and far between. Being on two different life levels makes it hard to coordinate girl's nights or any other kind of get together. So, here I am, sitting in my boat, waiting for all of my other ship mates to abandon ship and leave me to row myself. Where's my level up? Adulting sucks.

The more dates that I go on, the more I realize I really may just be forever alone. In which case, I will turn into the crazy dog lady and just spend the rest of my life battling hair and slobber on every imaginable surface. I also think that maybe it's not them, it's me. I don't know if the fact that I know what I am looking for freaks them out or maybe I really just am difficult to deal with. I don't know. I don't think I overreact, but maybe I do. I don't think I am crazy, but maybe I am. I don't think I am needy, but quite possibly I am, very much so. God, it might be me. Gah! See, this is what dating does to your brain. It messes everything up and it makes you over analyze yourself because you think you aren't good enough. In reality, it's probably because no one wants to have a relationship anymore, they don't want to commit and they don't want to deal with their problems so they walk away. It really has nothing to do with you. Or in some cases it might. Sometimes, it really is you, but a lot of people just walk away at the first sign of bullshit rather than trying to figure things out. There is always another fish in the sea. This one sucks so I am throwing it back. Maybe next time I will get a salmon and not this trout. Both are decent fish, but the next one could be better. Just like the last guy. I wanted to keep doing the same thing we were doing, but it was too much for him. He wasn't ready to put a label on it and he was scared. Even though we were pretty much exclusive, he introduced me to his kid and his parents, and wanted to see me all the time. He felt so lost and confused and unsure. Less than six months later he now has a live in girlfriend. So, I guess in this case, I was the trout. At least I didn't end up with the jellyfish with no back bone.

Everyone is disposable anymore. No one gives two shits about anyone else. Things will be going fine, great in fact, and then out of the blue something changes. You are going down rainbow road and you don't see the hole in the path and you fall into oblivion. Things get back on track but you keep losing your place. You start hitting banana peels, turtle shells, and even more holes. You keep hoping for a flashing star to get you past the finish line, but keep getting hit by thunderbolts and it makes you fall further and further behind. You watch them lap you again and again until they go off to the next course and you are still stuck on rainbow road. Reaching, just trying to get past that checkered flag....Don't ask me why I just compared dating to Mario Kart. I don't know where it came from either. My point is that no one really cares when things fall out of place anymore. Even when you really like someone. It's easier to just lap them and keep going then try to help them get caught back up. It seems like interest gets lost at the slightest change in course and if you can't keep up, you better hope you got a lot of red turtle shells in your arsenal.

I have tried the whole "stop looking and it will find you thing" and it's hard to do. I get the concept. Sit around and be patient and just do you. Got it. I've already done me and frankly, I am kind of getting bored with me. I crack some decent jokes here and there, but I need something new. I have also ran into the opposite problem when I have stopped looking. "Well you aren't putting yourself out there. How are they supposed to find you if you don't put yourself out there?" K, so let me get this straight. Don't look because they will come to you, but put yourself out there and available so they can come to you. Right. Got it. How exactly does that work? How do I put myself out there without looking? I am already out there. People see me everyday. I go to places that people can see me, I try to appear available without holding a big sign that says "Single and not completely crazy", and I try not to get too into the online dating things anymore. I am not sure what else to do. Dating is becoming something that I am not used to and apparently need to learn. The things I thought that it meant to "date" are now obsolete and not applicable. Who knew that at 30 I could already be behind the times?

But to be fair, I almost am ok with how things are. I am trying to find the silver lining in things. If I don't shave my legs for a week, that's my prerogative. No one is touching them anytime soon so what do I care? Went past your waxing appointment a few days? Ok, that shit itches but still. I have no obligatory parties to go to, no friends I need to meet, no parents that are going to love me and wonder why the hell you aren't dating me anymore. I can come home and change into sweats and stay that way if I really want to. It's the little things really.

I think I'll just date myself

I hope you missed me. I know it's been a while. I haven't had the itch to write for a while, but I not only have the itch but some decent material. I've had to hit the dating scene yet again and it's been just as before, horrendous. It really is getting rather exhausting. So to get you up to date I am still online dating, but I have moved on to more than just POF. I decided to give Tinder a go around and believe you me, it's just as awful as people make it out to be. Luckily, you only message those that you match with and vice versa, and if you decide you don't want to match with them anymore you can make them go away with a click of the unmatch button. Anyway, I've had a few from there that I have talked to and let's just say the luck from that isn't any better. If I was smart I would have screenshot a lot of the conversations that I had before we unmatched....but I didn't think that far ahead. So let's just get started, shall we?

Surprisingly, I haven't gotten a lot of hook up requests and I count my many blessings that you can't send pics in the messenger because I can only imagine how many unsolicited dick pics I would get. There are actually guys on there to claim to actually want a relationship and are like me and branching out to find more "options" than what is in the other online dating pool. One thing is for sure, I think it's a requirement for almost every male in my area to have a picture of them holding a freaking fish. I swear that almost every single profile has the same picture of some guy holding a fish in both hands, fish mouth pointed to the camera, and a goofy ass expression on their face. I get it. People around here like to fish. I'm wondering if that is hurting my chances since I have no fish wielding pictures of my own. I am willing to take that chance though. Most of the people I was talking to weren't really all that interesting and I was having a hard time wanting to have a conversation.

Enter Bachelor #1. This guy seemed to have his shit together, he had a really good job, some killer fish pictures and seemed to be able to hold a conversation. I was pretty excited about the potential he had and couldn't wait to see what would come out of it. So messages led to texts and texts soon led to a lunch date. The conversation was still great in person even though I was only half paying attention because I was trying to figure out if he thought I looked like my pictures or not. Most of the dates I go on that is all I stress about. I just want to look as cute as I do in my pictures and hope that they aren't trying to think of the soonest way to exit the scene. We finished lunch, awkwardly hugged, and parted ways. I stared at my phone and went back and forth on if I should thank him for the date or wait for him to text me. Moments later I hear that magical ting and it was a text answering it all. Success! He still thought I was cute in person, loved my personality and wanted to keep talking. Oh, and I was still attracted to him after meeting in person. This has been an issue for me lately...Either they aren't tall enough, have some weird tick or don't look like their pics. In other words, I am being picky AF. I don't know why I am being so picky but I am looking for that spark that I had but lost...That's another story for another time...Anyway, I may have just lucked out. As I am driving home a thought comes into my head and I just can't shake it. I don't normally have to ask about my tattoos because usually it has come up in conversation already, but this time it hadn't. Needless to say, curiosity got the best of me....
Me - "How do you feel about tattoos?" (Patiently waits for the "So hot! Love them! Totally fine" comment)
Bachelor #1 - "Uh well how many?"
Me - "14....." (Shit)
A horribly long delay.....(Shit fuck shit damn)
Me - "Guess I already found a deal breaker?" (Why does this happen to me!?!?! I swear I'll stop being picky)
Bachelor #1 - "I'm trying to decide"
Me - "Uhh....." (NOOOOOO)
(See what I mean about me getting screenshots? This would have been way easier than typing it all.)
Bachelor #1 - "I hate to say anything negative about you. You are so cute and so sweet. I just don't find women with tattoos attractive."
So I hope you can imagine not only the expression of disbelief on my face but the blowing of my mind after reading this. BOOM. Along with a lot of shits, fucks, and are you kidding me....Really? I mean, really? Not only does every single picture on my profile have at least one of my tattoos showing, but I also mention being tattooed in my profile itself. So I repeat, really? I. I just. I just can't even. What?
Bachelor #1 - "Are they covered when you wear a tshirt and shorts?"
Me - "Uhh no....." (Did you see any of my pictures??? There's one showing a huge one on my calf. Oh, and I'm wearing shorts)
Bachelor #1 - "I'm sorry. I just can't. I don't think women with tattoos are attractive and I have to think about someone being a good role model for my daughter"
What? Just what? If throat punch was an emoji I would have sent 20 of them.
Me - "So did you not look at any of my pictures? They are showing in all of them?" (What kind of asshole are you?)
Bachelor #1 - "I guess I wasn't paying that close of attention. I'm sorry."
*Throat punch* *Throat punch* *Throat punch* *Throat punch* *Middle fucking finger*

I think that was a record for me in finding a deal breaker. I don't think I have ever found one that fast with anyone. My mind is literally blown at this conversation. I am not sure I have recovered all of the pieces to be honest. I couldn't decide what was worse, the fact that it took two seconds for someone to move me from attractive to unattractive or that tattoos were a deal breaker. Tattoos aren't for everyone, but I have never had anyone say that was a deal breaker. I can understand finding tattoos unattractive because you aren't into them, but to say someone is unattractive just because of the tattoos? Ridiculous. Obviously, I shouldn't be too disappointed about this discovery because it saved me from dating an unobservant, close minded asshole. So I shouldn't be too upset, but I would be lying if it didn't hurt my feelings.

In every picture! I can't get over it. If that is something that is so bothersome to you, wouldn't you pay attention to it a little bit more? Especially if it's a deal breaker? And how am I not a good role model??? I pay my bills, am a college graduate, have a house, an amazing credit score and I don't burn the house down when I bake. I am pretty sure that is a pretty decent role model if you ask me.*Throat punch*

I can smell your bullshit from here

  

    Lately, I have been contemplating my situation and I think I have come to a couple conclusions as to why I am in the spot I am. Dating has changed so much since even just when I started. It's changed even more so since say the 1950s. Society changes, people change, ideals change, and in the end that changes dating and the way people do it. Online dating is huge these days. I was on that band wagon before it was cool, but that's beside the point. People are busy anymore and don't have time to go try and meet someone. They also want more to choose from other than their shallow pool they are used to fishing in. It used to be that if you were going to end up with someone it was usually your neighbor across the street that you have known since you were in diapers. People are more mobile than ever and they like it that way. They like options.
  Thus, I came to my first conclusion. I feel as though I am part of a dying breed. I still look forward to finding someone to marry, working my problems out with and growing old together. In my search for Mr. Right I have found that it is becoming increasingly common for guys to be ok with just being Mr. Right Now. No one wants to have a committed relationship anymore. They want options and to have no obligations. Living free and easy. The amount of effort put into anything is nothing short of minimal. I guess call me old fashioned, but I am a lady and I want to be treated as such. Recently I had a guy I was talking to that had a problem with paying on the first date. While I don't expect the guy to pay for everything I do still think the gentlemanly thing to do is pay for the first date. At least. He refused to ask me on a date and just wanted to hang out. He wanted it to be casual and easy. I wasn't aware that a first date couldn't be? Maybe this is all part of the feminist movement where women want to be treated equally as a man.  Women want to feel just as in control of things as a man and they for some reason get offended when a guy pays. There is nothing threatening your Independent Woman status by letting a guy be a gentleman.
    Casual sex seems to be even more prevalent than ever. Women are starting to embrace their inner hoochie and running with it.  While there is no judgment here because as my previous blog post show I have had whorish moments myself. Just don't ask my roommate for what isn't in my blog. Totally kidding. Sort of.....   There is so much sex in society anymore that casual sex is the new lets go get coffee. The veil of the double standard is slowly being lifted and women are taking full advantage.  Just as I am a dying breed I feel as though the gentleman is as well. While I don't want to be taken care of in certain aspects I still view a man as a provider for a family, the strength the woman relies on (just as he does with her), and the protector of not only the structure of the family but the family itself. I don't know that I am anti feminist, but I am certainly ok with not being an equal to a man because I am not one. There are some badass women out there that can compete with the best of the boys, but that is certainly not me. I have enough on my plate with having to be able to lift dead people, onto a cot ,in front of a room full of people that already think I can't do it. I know I am not She Hulk and my lifting skills are limited. Sorry, drifting off point.
   So on top of the whole not being a gentleman issue I knew that he was talking to other girls. Perfectly fine. I wouldn't expect him to just talk exclusively to me when we haven't even met yet. The issue I had was that even though he said he was interested it really didn't seem like it. I had to ask him for attention. I felt like I was a child trying to get my mother's attention who was purposely tuning me out because I was being obnoxious. That is never a good feeling. So when I stopped trying to talk to him that's when he tried to talk to me again. One day. That was his trying to fix what was wrong. In the mean time, I had started checking out on this endeavor already and was finding some other options of my own.  Apparently, I took for granted his one instance of attention and I was the shittiest person ever. Sooooo let me get this straight. You are keeping your options open, but when I take you out as an option because you aren't acting interested and look for another I am the asshole? Got it. To think after all this time I had the definition of asshole completely wrong.
     As I said, I am not asking for someone I am merely talking to to only talk to me. That's a little crazy. All I am asking for is just a little unprompted attention to know you are interested. That way when I make an effort I don't feel like a jackass trying to talk to someone that is completely uninterested. What it boils down to is that people want options so that they can see if there is something better than the current one. So even if that one is a good fit there has to be one that fits better. Shoe shopping isn't even this complicated. If you like the shoe, the shoe fits, get it. Simple. It's an endless chase at trying to get something better when what could be better on the outside, might not be better on the inside. That heel might look good, but it's going to give you blisters and make your feet feel like it was crushed by a hammer. It's a chase that I am losing because no matter how great of a catch I am, there's always the thought of there could be better.
    So now for the second conclusion. This one hit me like a ton of bricks while I was watching How To Be Single with a friend of mine. There was moment in the movie where it brought up the point that sometimes after being single for so long that people don't know how to NOT be single. I had never actually thought about it before, but the more I mulled it around the more it made sense.  I haven't had a long term relationship that lasted longer than a year since Captain Douchbag and Cool Rider. I am hesitant to even say that with Cool Rider because there were some breaks and such but it was still longer than other relationships. I did live with him so there's that too I guess. I haven't had to compromise holidays, meet parents, or be socially obligated to a significant other in such a long time that the thought of it makes me incredibly uncomfortable. Do I really want to meet your parents and crazy family? Do I really want to go to your cousin's niece's dog's birthday party? Do I need to bring a present? Do I even know how to be in a relationship anymore? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like my bullshit meter is set way too high just so that I can toss someone based on the BS rating and be done with it. However, in my defense I have had a lot of legitimate bullshit.
    I dated a guy briefly that looking back on it now was composed of about 90% bullshit. He didn't like to tell you the full story and there was always something he was hiding. He did lie, but not necessarily all the time. He just liked to think I was stupid and believed the crap he flipped me. My boots go up pretty high, but even I have my point of bullshit that I choose to walk through. If a liar's pants could catch on fire, I am pretty sure he would have run out of jeans. I dodged the piles tried watching where I stepped, but I always seemed to manage to find something. What makes it even worse is when they believe their own bullshit, regardless of what you have against them. He always said he was as good as his word. Well buddy, your word is a reeking pile of shit.

    My schedule doesn't help in this conclusion either. My free time is somewhat limited and it makes it hard for me to pick and choose what I want to spend it on. There are times when I am spent and I want to sit on my couch and catch up on all the shows I'm not watching. The thing is though is that when I do have free time and I choose to make time for someone I don't like it when they take it lightly. Mr. Bullshit liked to do this frequently. He was almost always late. Those of you that know me know that is one of my biggest pet peeves. I HATE when people are late all the time. Can't people be always early like me? If he wasn't late he would blow me off completely. When I would ask him about it I would get a half assed story and then find out later that he was actually talking to another girl or girls. Not sure on the plural since I only confirmed one, but I wouldn't be surprised. He was never reliable, there was always something that would come up or happen, or he would go MIA for hours at a time. I get it that things happen, but there is this thing that almost everyone has called a cell phone. All it takes is a text or a call to let the other person know what happened and not to sit around waiting. Crazy, I know.
   Sometimes I feel as though I have closed off so many things when it comes to dating that I don't know if I could ever even be in a relationship again. I would like to think I could be, but what if I am just kidding myself? Maybe I have been single so often that I don't know how to be anything else. It's a depressing thought, but it's a thought. In this new world of dating I feel so out of place. These damn millennials are ruining everything.

   

Dude, where's my car?

 There are quite a few people that don't know the juicy details about what happened with my last longer relationship. Ok it was ten months, but that's the longest I have had for a while. Don't judge me. I can proudly say that in all of my 29 years I have only had one crazy ex boyfriend. I think that's a pretty good streak if I do say so myself. Anyway, for those of you clinging to your seats for a good story you just hold on tight....Oh and this one will be a bit long. I tried to condense it as much as I could but if you know me you know I suck at summarizing. Here we go....
   If you haven't figured it out by now you know that I am pretty much a serial online dater. Not serial as in killer but as in my dating avenue. In my defense, there really aren't a lot of ways to meet people now days. I don't go to church, most of my friends are girls and they are married and apparently have no one to set me up with. So I use the resources I have....and I guess this is what I get. So this is the story of Grand Theft Auto. You think the name is great you just wait.....
     So I'll give you a guess where I met GTA. If you guessed the singles ward you would be incorrect. I met him online, of course. I have come to find that my interest level in the opposite sex is increasingly hard to hard to hold and even harder to be anything significant. With GTA I had the butterflies, I couldn't wait to talk to him or see him, and he made me feel special so when I started seeing red flags I pretty much just tried to ignore them and find justification for them. This is the first of many of my bad ideas in this relationship. The first of the many flags to pop up was when I found out that he had a criminal record and currently had a suspended license. By criminal record I don't mean a few speeding tickets but multiple DUI charges, eluding officers and other mischievous behaviors. Once again, don't judge. I know I should have probably just cut that off in the beginning, but he said he was working on himself and trying to change and don't you know I am a sucker for shit like that? You know a girl's weakness is a man that they can save. It's like our kryptonite. So the first incident that caused me to question my decision to date this guy happened when we went out for a drink with my family for my birthday. Mind you, he was on probation and really shouldn't have been in a bar and he was also lying to his family about doing said activity. My family and their opinion on who I date is very important to me so I was super nervous about GTA making a good impression with them. Yeah. About that....
    The night started out ok and everyone seemed to be getting along. GTA was spending A LOT of money on drinks for everyone trying to make nice. I was having a good time and getting pretty tuned up myself. Then all of a sudden shit hit the fan. Come to find out there was a creeper guy that was trying to make the moves on my aunt and GTA was encouraging him even though my aunt didn't want anything to do with the guy. It was making her extremely uncomfortable and then in turn upset my cousin's boyfriend and everyone else in my group. Next thing I know there is a scene being caused by him and I start crying. Did I mention it was my birthday? So then the next day I have to try to figure out what the hell was going on and try and get shit put back together. I chalk it up to a lot of drinking and just a mishap of the night.
    Time goes by and things are ok for the most part. The only time it gets a little shaky is when he drinks. He becomes unpredictable and I have no idea what I am in for. Most of the time I turn into an adult baby sitter and have to keep him from doing something stupid. Anytime I bring it up I get made into the bad guy because I am trying to change who he is and I need to just let him be himself. Yeah because being himself is awesome.....Like the time he took off on a Friday night and went and spent his entire paycheck, calls me at 2 am Saturday asking me to come get him because his friends left him and then you have to buy breakfast the next day because he is broke. Yes, I was mad about breakfast because he blew an entire paycheck. In one night. Who does that?? And how does he do that? Booze and coke come to find out. So he spends all day Sunday in bed hungover. In my defense I didn't find out about the coke part until down the road...
     The next big thing that comes up is Valentine's day. Keep in mind, there are actually a few incidences here and there in between my birthday and now. This is just already going to be a novel and most of them all involve him drinking so I am trying to give you the big things. Normally I don't really care for the holiday because I don't think you should celebrate your significant other on a single day but all year long. What do I know though since I can't seem to keep a significant other, but that's besides the point. Anyway, GTA knew how I felt about it but he wanted to make it a special time for the two of us. So he made reservations at a cottage in Lava Hot Springs to spend the weekend. I am over the moon about this because it sounds like a lovely idea. We would be staying in this quaint cottage in town and spend the weekend soaking in the hot pools and just hanging out around Lava. I couldn't wait. I tried to make his gift just as special and I got a few of his favorite things. When he drank he would drink beer and it was usually craft beer. He wasn't a fan of good old Bud Light unless that was all there was. He was quite the beer snob now that I think about it. I got him a six pack of one of his favorite craft beers, some of his favorite candies and some other assorted small gifts. This weekend away was going to be perfect I thought, or at least until we got there. We got the keys to our cottage and went to put our stuff inside and he immediately was unhappy. He said that it looked nothing like the pictures and thought it was going to be a lot nicer. I thought it was lovely and I told him as much. I calmed him down and I thought everything was fine as we went to our dinner reservation. While at dinner he of course started drinking. Things were fine until we got back to the cottage to change into our suits to go to the hot pool. He decided that he was going to talk to the manager and complain because it wasn't "what he was expecting". I told him to stop making a big deal out of it but he persisted. He then got into a huge yelling match with the owner who then told us that if we got our stuff and left immediately she wouldn't charge us for the room and wouldn't have the cops come and kick us out. As much as I love a man in uniform I certainly didn't want to see one to come and kick us of the premises.
    So while holding back tears I pack up my bag and get everything in the car and I am pretty much ready to head back to Idaho Falls. It took all I had to not yell at him for ruining everything. On the way back we ended up stopping in Pocatello to get a room because it was late and he wanted to try to make up the rest of the weekend. We ended up getting a suite in a local hotel room and stayed the rest of the weekend there. He however didn't do a very good job making up for things. The next day was decent until early afternoon. We went shopping and he was sober until dinner. I had to continually talk him out of wanting to go out to the bars for drinks. So he just drank at dinner instead. I then had to deal with him being drunk the rest of the night and hungover all day the next day. It was a pretty romantic Valentine's day I'll tell ya. When I get back to work the next week I then lie to everyone that asks about my weekend because I don't want to say what a piece of shit GTA is. This doesn't even cause me to break up with him. Yeah, I know. I'm an idiot.
   I am sure at this point you are wondering where the nickname came from. Don't you worry your pretty little head because I am getting there. So by this point in the relationship I am trying to figure out why in the hell I am still with him because I don't want to deal with this shit. My anxiety is through the roof and my entire weekend I spend stressed out worrying about what's going to happen next. The biggest thing that caused the problems was his drinking in case that wasn't obvious by now. There were a few weekends that he would come spend with me and I would ask him not to drink but that wouldn't last long. He would usually last a few hours until he went to the store down the street for beer. That or he would take a taxi and meet up with friends and spend all weekend with them drinking and he would come back on Sunday just in time for me to take him back home with a hangover. One weekend he ended up staying on Sunday night and his mom was going to come get him the next morning because I had to work. Did I mention he had a suspended license? Yeah, that got old really quick. Well I headed to bed since I had to work the next day. Normally I am a pretty light sleeper but that night I had a glass of wine before bed and it must have helped me sleep a little deeper than normal. Last thing I remember before dozing off is hearing him in the living room watching tv. I then get woken up at 2 am by knocks on my door.  I open the door to be greeted by two county police officers. "Ma'am, do you own a Honda Civic?"
I reply, "I sure do. Why do you ask?". The police officer then informs me that my car is not in my carport where I parked it but in a subdivision down the street and someone left it there and took off. Could you repeat that? I am trying to figure out what they are telling me and then I realize my car is gone. GONE. And GTA is no where to be found. Fit that puzzle piece now?
     So this person was being pulled over in my car for speeding and then proceeds to pull over, exit the car and run through a field away from officers. They ask, "Do you know why someone would do that?" Uhhhhhh. OMG. I am freaking out at this point and I am livid. I am also informed that a drug dog hit on my car. They ask if I know anything about why that would happen. I've never even smoked weed! After a few minutes the officers believe that I have no freaking clue about what happened with my car and ask if I have a spare key and they will take me to it. The officers leave to go look for him and I go back home to try and get some sleep since I still have to be to work at 7 am. I then hear a knock on my window shortly after and find GTA outside my bedroom asking to get in through the window. Being the idiot that I am I let him in but then I ask him what the hell?? I can't even remember the bullshit story he gave but I knew it was a lie I was just too tired to care. Oh, and he didn't even have my keys. He threw them in the field that he ran through trying to get away from the officers.
    Want to hear something funny? I stayed with him after that. Hah. I don't know what the hell I was thinking. I apparently wasn't. Things with him and I were on pretty thin ice at this point though. I was pretty sure he was lying to me about things but I could never prove it. Well in one of his drunken nights he did finally admit to what he was doing with my car that night. He was doing a drug run. A mother fucking drug run. Coke was in my passenger seat. Coke was in my fucking car!!! I can't even deal. Think I broke up with him then? Pshhh......
   The breakup finally came when I finally caught him in a lie. He accidentally sent a text to me at 2 am asking where I was. I texted back and he obviously didn't respond. When I asked him about it the next day he said it wasn't him but his neighbor using his phone texting someone else. Uh huh. Right. I had to let it go because I couldn't argue anything. That is until I caught him in the lie. A coworker of mine happened to know his neighbor because her husband works with him. I found this out this same day and I asked her to talk to him for me. His response? He hasn't seen GTA in over a week. He was never with him that night or any night recently. So I called him out on it and got three different stories from him. He then called me a liar and a cheater since I must be sleeping with his neighbor if I know they weren't hanging out that night....He freaked out. He went from saying hurtful things to I'm sorry to don't leave to whatever do what you want. He continually blew up my phone for the next few days and couldn't understand why I didn't want to be friends with him. He is after all the world's best friend if our relationship has any indication.
    He finally mellowed out somewhat. He at least stopped texting me every day and asking when we can be friends and if he could see me. Not long after this I went to a bar here in town to hang out with a few friends. I was hesitant to even go because it was one of the ones he liked to frequent but I was just  hoping he wasn't around that night. He showed up out of no where and came up to me and started freaking out because I was sitting next to a guy and I guess he thought we still had a chance to work things out. Next thing I know there is a wall of men standing between him and I and someone is grabbing him to escort him out of the bar. Actually, I think it was Whiskey Casanova. He doesn't leave though but instead stands at the end of the parking lot and calls my phone and leaves nasty voicemails and sends rude texts as i sit inside. I pretty much get told that I can't leave without at least two people taking me to my car. I then make the uneasy trek home and hope to god that he doesn't show up at my door. You don't realize how alone you are in your house until you imagine scenarios in which you get harassed by your psychotic ex boyfriend.  I had never before contemplated a restraining order until that moment. Luckily I didn't have to deal with that very long because shortly there after he got his license back  he went and  got himself another DUI sending his ass back to jail. Happy days indeed. I never feared for my life with him, but he did make me feel uneasy and unsure of what he would actually do. It was like a weight lifted off my shoulders when I found out he went to jail. The sad thing about all this is there are a lot of things I left out. Plenty of times when I should have kicked his ass to the curb and didn't. His sister in law even told me to run. When even their own family isn't behind them that is probably a bad sign.
   So I know what you are thinking. After all of those red flags it took you that long to end things? Yeah, I don't know what to tell you because looking back on it now I was an idiot and gave him way too many chances he didn't deserve. I am one of those people that has to experience things for my own or find out things on my own before I made a decision. I didn't want someone else telling me that I needed to leave him. I wanted it to be my decision and I wanted to know for a fact that things were really bad enough to do so. Well, they were pretty bad and I was slow on the uptake. All I can say is I never want to do that again. I never want to feel the way that I felt with him when we were together. There was so much anxiety, uncertainty, and worry and I absolutely hate feeling that way. So, in a pretty big nutshell that's it. This was probably the worst relationship that I have ever been in. That's saying a lot if you have been reading this from the beginning. What can I say? I just know how to pick em.