I didn't realize how long it had been since I posted on here. For a while, I couldn't remember who it was that was next. I lost my list that I had made to keep track of who I wanted to post about. After that, I was just lazy and didn't really want to get on here and write. Although, I am sure many of you have been hanging on by the edge of your seats.... *Crickets chirp* Yeah, that's pretty much what I thought.
I decided that I am just going to use this as kind of a journal thing about my current, or rather most recent, adventures and whatever else is on my mind. I know I have a journal that I could write in, but since I am lazy and don't really want to do that. So, I'm not going to. In the last few months, I have had to deal with quite a few speed bumps along the way in my quest of romance. Actually, it was more like turbulence rather than a speed bump. It messed me up pretty bad. I suppose I should give a background on this guy since he was in my history as well as my present. Oh, and a name. He needs a name. This is the story of Cool Rider.
It began one fateful night a few years back in a smokey, dingy bar. He caught my eye as he stood there standing with his back against the wall, sipping a beer and talking with his friends. Even though I had downed a couple of beers myself I still hadn't quite gotten together with my confident side yet that night. So, what was a girl to do? Simply send over a guy friend of hers to do the dirty work for her, that's what. After a little bit of small talk, or small yelling rather, numbers were exchanged and the night went on. Over the next few days we began talking and even hung out a few times. Granted, the hang outs mostly ended up in just some sweaty romps and a little bit of conversation. Unfortunately, after the first romp my feelings began doing their dirty work and weaving webs between us. Well, on my end it seemed anyway. The "hang outs" got less frequent as well as the conversations. I pretty much knew where this was headed and I wasn't really looking to my usual room in the Heartbreak Hotel.
I can't even explain how my feelings ended up where they were with him in the short amount of time we spent together. I keep telling myself it was his eyes. Something about what I saw in those eyes did me in every time. They say the eyes are the window to the soul, and in those brown eyes of his I found something hidden, something guarded, something beautiful. Every so often he would give me a glimpse into what he was hiding and it only made me want to discover it even more. As hard as i tried to get past those walls, eventually I was escorted off the grounds and left with no choice but to go back to my hotel.
He became like my Unicorn in a way. Our paths crossed again a couple of times, but he never stuck around long. To my surprise, and because of some Facebook stalking on my part, I found that he had gotten married. Married. WTF? Yeah, I was blindsided myself. At that point, I pretty much figured that I should probably not hang on to these feelings I had anymore. Figures that this is how it would end, right? If you could call it playing in my favor, things fell apart for them and what do you know, I sent him a friend request on Facebook. Hah. Yeah, I know. Don't judge me. Conversation began again and the chemistry started back up where it left off. Just as things were going along great, a road block hits and derails the entire thing.
For the record, I will cut him some slack on this since he just recently separated from his wife and then basically got together with me. He was left to start over from scratch while his ex moved in with her new fiance and was doing just fine. It would be an emotionally taxing time for anyone in that position. What I won't give him slack for is his way for dealing with his problems. Rather than confronting them, working on them, or talking about them, he pushes away and closes himself off completely. I'm known for walking away pretty quickly when a romance just isn't going my way, but I actually gave this the old college try. All I knew was that something always made me come back to him. I wanted to be there for him, be his rock and stand by his side through whatever it was he was going through, but I got 86'd again.
I am a patient person. I really am. Well, when I want to be. There is only so much that I can be pushed away before I take then hint and walk away myself. Which is exactly what I did. It was the hardest thing for me to do, but I knew it was something I had to do. I was ready to give him my everything, but I wasn't going to do it for nothing in return. After some time apart, yet again, he came around. Now, if there are actually people reading this I am sure that they are having the same reaction as some of my friends. Another shot? Really? Yeah, really. Time will tell if it was a mistake or not, but it seems that this time he may have realized what he had after he lost it.
I don't understand why it has to work that way. The most amazing, wonderful person that you could ever know could be right in front of you, but because you have grown accustomed to it and are around it every day the shine diminishes and you over look it. All it needs is a little dusting off now and again and the radiance would come through and sparkle like always. What I have come to find is that people don't want to put in an effort anymore. After all that mining that you did to get the gem, what else would you need to do now that you have it? Well, you would need to clean it up, cut it, place it in a setting that fit just right, and polish it regularly. I said regularly, not occasionally or once.
In the instance I talked about with Cool Rider, communication hindered the polishing with both of us. He was so concerned with cleaning himself up and dusting himself off that he didn't see me holding a rag waiting to help him. There are many things we can do on our own, but sometimes you need a little help. I have learned this lesson from my mother most of all. It is important to show that you can handle things and take care of yourself, but asking for help doesn't make you incapable of all that. Your journey will be a lot shorter by stopping for help along the way rather than trying to make it completely on your own. So in whatever journey you may be on, don't be afraid to ask for help. You never know what you might discover about you or someone else.
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