Since my last post I have turned 30, so I feel like I should share my new found knowledge with the people that still like to be entertained by my posts. First of all, dating still sucks. If anything it's worse. I have gotten to the point in life that I really don't have a lot of fucks to give when it comes to bullshit anymore with dating. Don't want to hang out with me? Fine. Don't want to text me back? Fine. Want to just send vague responses and only emojis back on a snap chat? Fine. You do you, boo.
Secondly, being 30 and being in the position I am personally in, makes me feel useless. I have gone to school and graduated. I have done my apprenticeship and am now a licensed mortician. I have bought a house and I have a cute tank of a dog to go with it. Now what? What do I work towards? Obviously, I need to find some new hobbies or something, but that takes a lot of effort that I am not sure if I want to expend. Don't get me wrong, there are things that I would like to get into or hobbies I would like to take up, but most of them involve me doing them with a partner of sorts. I know what you are going to say, "Don't you have friends?". Why yes, yes I do. However, there are just some things that in my mind I would just like to become a thing with a significant other. I have come to find that being in my position, at my age, is just kind of awkward and feels slightly off kilter. The majority of my friends are doing the married with kids thing, the kids thing, or just the married thing. The small percentage of those that are still in my boat are becoming few and far between. Being on two different life levels makes it hard to coordinate girl's nights or any other kind of get together. So, here I am, sitting in my boat, waiting for all of my other ship mates to abandon ship and leave me to row myself. Where's my level up? Adulting sucks.
The more dates that I go on, the more I realize I really may just be forever alone. In which case, I will turn into the crazy dog lady and just spend the rest of my life battling hair and slobber on every imaginable surface. I also think that maybe it's not them, it's me. I don't know if the fact that I know what I am looking for freaks them out or maybe I really just am difficult to deal with. I don't know. I don't think I overreact, but maybe I do. I don't think I am crazy, but maybe I am. I don't think I am needy, but quite possibly I am, very much so. God, it might be me. Gah! See, this is what dating does to your brain. It messes everything up and it makes you over analyze yourself because you think you aren't good enough. In reality, it's probably because no one wants to have a relationship anymore, they don't want to commit and they don't want to deal with their problems so they walk away. It really has nothing to do with you. Or in some cases it might. Sometimes, it really is you, but a lot of people just walk away at the first sign of bullshit rather than trying to figure things out. There is always another fish in the sea. This one sucks so I am throwing it back. Maybe next time I will get a salmon and not this trout. Both are decent fish, but the next one could be better. Just like the last guy. I wanted to keep doing the same thing we were doing, but it was too much for him. He wasn't ready to put a label on it and he was scared. Even though we were pretty much exclusive, he introduced me to his kid and his parents, and wanted to see me all the time. He felt so lost and confused and unsure. Less than six months later he now has a live in girlfriend. So, I guess in this case, I was the trout. At least I didn't end up with the jellyfish with no back bone.
Everyone is disposable anymore. No one gives two shits about anyone else. Things will be going fine, great in fact, and then out of the blue something changes. You are going down rainbow road and you don't see the hole in the path and you fall into oblivion. Things get back on track but you keep losing your place. You start hitting banana peels, turtle shells, and even more holes. You keep hoping for a flashing star to get you past the finish line, but keep getting hit by thunderbolts and it makes you fall further and further behind. You watch them lap you again and again until they go off to the next course and you are still stuck on rainbow road. Reaching, just trying to get past that checkered flag....Don't ask me why I just compared dating to Mario Kart. I don't know where it came from either. My point is that no one really cares when things fall out of place anymore. Even when you really like someone. It's easier to just lap them and keep going then try to help them get caught back up. It seems like interest gets lost at the slightest change in course and if you can't keep up, you better hope you got a lot of red turtle shells in your arsenal.
I have tried the whole "stop looking and it will find you thing" and it's hard to do. I get the concept. Sit around and be patient and just do you. Got it. I've already done me and frankly, I am kind of getting bored with me. I crack some decent jokes here and there, but I need something new. I have also ran into the opposite problem when I have stopped looking. "Well you aren't putting yourself out there. How are they supposed to find you if you don't put yourself out there?" K, so let me get this straight. Don't look because they will come to you, but put yourself out there and available so they can come to you. Right. Got it. How exactly does that work? How do I put myself out there without looking? I am already out there. People see me everyday. I go to places that people can see me, I try to appear available without holding a big sign that says "Single and not completely crazy", and I try not to get too into the online dating things anymore. I am not sure what else to do. Dating is becoming something that I am not used to and apparently need to learn. The things I thought that it meant to "date" are now obsolete and not applicable. Who knew that at 30 I could already be behind the times?
But to be fair, I almost am ok with how things are. I am trying to find the silver lining in things. If I don't shave my legs for a week, that's my prerogative. No one is touching them anytime soon so what do I care? Went past your waxing appointment a few days? Ok, that shit itches but still. I have no obligatory parties to go to, no friends I need to meet, no parents that are going to love me and wonder why the hell you aren't dating me anymore. I can come home and change into sweats and stay that way if I really want to. It's the little things really.
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