Now I want a cupcake

The next few years bring some juggling and jumping around of men. I'm not going to lie, I probably won't get the timing on the next ones exact. The timing isn't important. At least not super important. Anyway, this next fella is kind of a complicated story. Cupcake was someone that started out just being someone to talk to. You guessed it, on the internet. I stress to you the fact that I am a very shy, introverted human being and I had a hard time conversing with the opposite sex. In the beginning, Mr. Compton had just come home from serving in Iraq. I believe I was about 17 when we started talking. He was living in North Carolina at the time and so obviously there was no way that we could have an actual relationship. That and the fact that I was currently in one when we started talking with Captain Douchebag. I know, I know. How awful am I? Once again in my defense, I was 17. I was an idiot. 

Why Cupcake you ask? I have no idea. I called him that once and no matter how hard I try I can't remember. I know it was funny though. I think. Also, I couldn't really find any other name to call him without using his real name, so Cupcake it is. Anyway, over the next couple of years we kept in touch and became rather close. I talked to him quite frequently and oddly enough developed some kind of feelings for him even though I had never actually met the guy. We had quite a bit in common. He shared my love for TMNT, zombies and even had a Jack Skelington Tattoo. I really was starting to think that maybe my Jack wasn't in Idaho and quite possibly in North Carolina instead. Our personalities played off each other very well and we could talk about anything. Looking back on it though I realize how much different I really was then than how I am now. I almost seemed needy at that point in time. Possibly because I was lost and felt alone now that my once stable and "perfect" relationship was falling to pieces. I think I just liked the fact that I could talk to and relate to Cupcake so well. As my previous relationship crumpled, the topic of meeting one another came to a head. 

I am not always a patient person. I try to be, but sometimes I just can't help myself. This is one of those cases that I was losing my patient quite quickly. If you listened to the conversations we had with one another we sounded as though we had been in a relationship for quite some time. I was getting tired of having a half ass relationship over the phone and not having someone I could actually see and touch. We eventually came to the conclusion that it would happen soon at some point. While we were planning this whole meet and greet thing, he started acting differently towards me.

 I tried to just brush it off and think it was just all in my head, but he was definitely not his normal self. Usually when I talked to Cupcake it was at least once a day, sometimes twice, and it was usually for a fairly decent amount of time. I had gotten off the phone with him from one of our conversations and had a strange feeling come over me.  I tried to brush it off, but instead I decided I was going to call him back just to make sure everything was ok. I called and it rang and rang until voicemail picked up. I waited a couple minutes and tried again. Still got the voicemail. I tried texting him asking what was going on. No response. Dandy. I tried contacting him over the next week and a half and never got a response. No text back, no calls back, nothing. I would like to know what it is about me that makes men just stop talking to me. Seriously, it's the second time now. Wtf?

After no response at all I am forced to move on. I couldn't help but feel hurt and betrayed by him because of the way we were with one another. I never would have guessed that he would have done that to me. He never indicated that he no longer wanted to talk to me or was no longer interested. I was at a loss. Of course, about a year down the road I eventually hear from Cupcake. Out of the blue I get him on my Yahoo messenger sending me an IM. Naturally, I freak the fuck out on him. He goes into the I'm sorry and I never meant to hurt you, but then he says what really happened. He said that the whole reason that he stopped talking to me was because he had gotten into drugs (cocaine) and was afraid that I would judge him for having a problem. Wow, that was kind of a blow to my character and my mind. In his absence he had gotten help and was clean. He hated the fact that he had lied to me about things when we talked because he had to cover up stuff that he was doing. 

We start talking again. Small conversations here and there. I am still weary about the guy and kind of not sure if I am interested in investing in him again. He was currently living in Arizona so he was at least a little closer than before. Over the next year or so we talk on and off. It never really lasted too long because honestly I usually lost interest. One of the times that we were "on" it was around Halloween one year. I being the lonely, single girl that I was sad that on yet another Halloween I still didn't have a date. I usually didn't have dates on holidays after the Captain. Not sure why, but it just never worked out that way. Well me and my big mouth said, "Well it's short notice (the day before Halloween) but it's too bad that you can't come with me to the party I am going to."  So what does he do? He says, "Why not? It's only a 14 hour drive." Uhh. Shit. So he gets his happy ass in his truck and drives 14 hours to come and hang out with me on Halloween. 

The more I talk about this story the more I feel like a bitch, but I really never intended things to go the way that they did. Cupcake gets in town and we put together a half ass vampire costume to go with my bff's and my costume from True Blood. The costume actually wasn't all that bad. We all start out at a friend's house for a little pre-gaming before heading to the bar. This really wasn't a good plan. It was kind of awkward seeing as it was the first time we had seen each other in person and he gets to meet me around a bunch of people he didn't know. For the most part things went ok. He was well, alright. I think I was so worried about what people thought about him that I ended up judging him unfairly. Anyway, as the night progressed the tension just kind of built up between us. I felt like he wasn't having fun, I was worried my friends didn't like him, and he was talking about stuff that he didn't need to talk about. He basically professed his love of me to my friends and divulged our entire back story to people he didn't know. I guess that is what I am kind of doing now, but this is completely different.

At the end of the evening I just wanted him to go home. I was feeling way too conflicted and I had actually wished I had just kept my mouth shut about him coming here. Like I said, I feel like a bitch in this post but he is almost like a little puppy dog. He just started getting into things that I wasn't ready to talk about yet. He wanted us to basically be boyfriend/girlfriend, he wanted to think about possibly moving around me so that it could work, and and just other things that at that point shouldn't have been talked about. It just made me feel like I was in a vise and being squeezed to my breaking point. It was a lot thrown at me all at once. When he left he naturally made status updates on his Facebook on the way home about how horrible the trip went and blah blah blah. 

I still talk to him occasionally and even went to visit him in Arizona. Mind you, it wasn't all to see him. I was mostly going so that I could check out a college that I was potentially going to enroll in. He just happened to live near by, I didn't want to go check things out by myself....It worked quite well for me. On that trip we were actually getting along really well. He wasn't talking about anything too serious. He had a habit of jumping right to the punchline with things, like I said earlier. On the last night of my trip him and two of his friends (husband and wife) took me out to a strip club. I had said that I had never been to one and they decided that they would take me and show me what it was all about. Everyone was having a good time and getting a little drunk. That was until he asked me what things were between us. Talk about a buzz kill. I had specifically had a conversation before I came to AZ that he just needed to chill out and let things play out how they are going to. I told him that if he put all the pressure on me and expectations right away I was just going to push away. So what does he do? ARGH.  


I had to sit at the bar feeling horribly uncomfortable until our cab came to get us. It was so awful. I didn't even want to talk to him and he knew it. When we got back to the hotel I just wanted to go to bed so that I could get up and go to the airport. Cupcake ended up staying over, his friends did as well since they were all drunk, and he decided that he wanted to hash things out right then. I was drunk and didn't really feel like doing this, but I apparently didn't get a say so I went along with it. After a bunch of drunk talking and crying he finally let me go to sleep. The ride to the airport the next morning was awful. This was the last visit in person that we had with one another. 


I still talk to him on occasion. Mostly just a text here or there or a response to something on Facebook. God, his Facebook. He is really kind of emo. He posts so many depressing things sometimes and there are always ones directed at me. He also has told me that he can't move on because he will never find someone to love like he loved me. So now I feel horribly guilty about him and the fact that he still pines for me. Wow, that makes me sound cocky. It's true though. Not even sure why. I really do wish he could find some girl that would make him happy and not treat him like crap, but he won't move on and stop comparing everyone to me. Instead, he goes and gets drunk all the time and picks up girls at the bar. Whatever I guess. I still wish that I could remember the story behind why I called him Cupcake. I tried texting him about it, but he ignored me and didn't respond. Man, that's his biggest pet peeve too. Jerk.