Alcohol is bad, kids.

Man, I suck at blogging. It's been a really, really long time. In my defense, I haven't really had internet for a while and one needs that in order to blog. I was trying to think of things to blog once I was able to, but I apparently suck at being Carrie Bradshaw as well. *Sigh* I just can't win. 

Another example of me not winning, I am back on the single bandwagon yet again. I am pretty proud of myself with the ending of this relationship though because I actually gave it the old college try. If you were to ask my friends how my relationships go they would most likely inform you that if I got annoyed, frustrated, or found something that I just didn't like I usually left. Well I didn't do that this time. I actually stuck it out and tried really hard to make things work. In the end though my efforts were futile. Maybe we were just two completely different people that just didn't belong together. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying that he is a bad guy or anything. He really is a nice guy and he could be great if he actually acted more on the potential he had rather than just talking about it. 

Anyway, I did in the span of my hiatus find my list I made of the people I dated. Yes, I made a list. It was really the only way I could make sure I remembered people and could think of totally awesome nicknames to give them. I think I gave up on keeping things in order because I am pretty sure that I messed that up already. I decided that I would just pick someone to talk about whenever I wanted. I can do that, ya know. I promise I will keep them entertaining. 

As I was contemplating who I should write about this time I decided that this will actually be a post about more than one guy. These guys all kind of fall into the same category because I met them all at a bar. I can't decide if the bar is better or the internet...so far they are pretty dead even in the pretty shitty decision department. So there used to be a bar in town that the BFF and I used to frequent a lot. It changed names a few times, but for a long time it was THE place to go for dancing in our little town. It is closed now and honestly there are times I miss it. I had a lot of fun, weird, awkward memories in that place. One of them is when the BFF and I met Dumb and Dumber. I can't even remember how we happened upon these two guys but a conversation was struck up. I'm sure one if not both of us were already riding the buzz train so that was part of it. What's funny is not only does Dumb and Dumber work for them because they were pretty fucking stupid, but they also had the same name. Yeah don't ask me. By the end of the night Dumb was exchanging numbers with BFF and Dumber was talking to me. Notice I didn't say he was exchanging numbers with me. In this day and age it is hard to find someone without a cell phone, but if they didn't you would think they would have a home phone,right? Apparently Dumber was just living in the stone age or something because he had neither. He said that if I wanted to talk to him I was going to have to go through Dumb. Red flag, right?

He was even trying to kiss all on me as we were leaving the bar and telling me that I need to get a hold of him. So I came home without a phone number and BFF started talking to Dumb and in the process asked what the deal with Dumber was. Well, come to find out the reason why Dumber mysteriously had no form of contact was because he probably would have been in deep shit if his wife would have found out. Yep. His WIFE. All the pieces kind of fit after that and then I was just pissed that he was such a douche, and of course he was the douche that had to hit on me. Dumb had known the whole time, obviously, and said that he was just trying to get his friend a girl. BFF at that point quit talking to him and told him to tell Dumber that he was a jerk. Later on that day I went to the store and Dumber just happened to walk in with his wife and kid in the shopping cart....He looked right at me and I think he shit about ten bricks at that very moment.

This second guy I just wanted to talk about. I didn't really date him. The story is just funny every time I tell it. One year for my birthday I went out to the bars with my friends and needless to say got pretty shitty. I am not one to really go up and talk to people, let alone guys. Unless I'm drunk that is. My friends and I had been having a pretty good time at one of our favorite watering holes. I think that it was on my birthday. Yeah, pretty sure. I was nice and trashed and we were leaving one bar and going to another. I think. I really should have my friend here to tell me the details because I honestly don't remember all of it. What I do remember is that as we were leaving I happened to see this guy out of the corner of my eye and I said, "He's cute". So what does my friend respond with? "You should go kiss him." I think that's what she said. God, I suck. So I do. Yeah, I go kiss him. I walk up to him and tell him I think that he is cute and I wanted to kiss him. So we kiss. Just like that. After we break apart I start walking up the stairs and he totally starts following me. Not what I expected. He's trying to talk to me and as I mentioned I was pretty good and trashed so I was completely distracted. I paid him no mind and he eventually stopped following my friends and I. 

Now we fast forward. I don't hit the bars much anymore, but every time I go to that bar I see that guy. He never remembers me. EVER. I have to reintroduce myself every time to him. Not even kidding. He even says every time that he will remember me next time. Yeah, that never happens. It's just funny because my friends always have to point him out when we see him and mention that I made out with him. Every time. They also have to mention how drunk he always is and that I picked THAT to make out with. EVERY TIME. Ok, it's funny. It really is. I really wish I could have been at the bar the night that he got punched by some chick. That would have made up for the fact that he never remembered my name. Ever. Jerk.

Back at square one...

So, another one bites the dust. It's kind of depressing really. My Cool Rider turned out not to be so cool after all. I was hoping I would be past the bitterness already, but it's sticking around longer than I had hoped. Man, after all the shit I have gone through I really had hoped this was it. I really had hoped that I was at that final stretch. I suppose it really could have been if I would have kept letting things slide and sacrificing the happiness I was striving for....God. I sound depressing. I can hear those cats meowing now....Whoa. Ok. Maybe not that far. At least not yet anyway.
   It turns out that I really can't stand pot. I HATE it. I hate the smell, I hate the thought of it, and I hate the fact that a guy felt more connected to that than he did with me. Pot was the crutch that he used to help keep him anchored to the life he was living. Him and his damn friends coming to my house and the smoke wafting through the cracks in the doors. Just thinking about it is enough to get me on edge. I am going to step on a pedestal for a second and say that I don't think it should be illegal, even if I don't like it. I don't see the harm in it compared to other things that people could be doing. I personally just don't like the smell of it or even find it appealing to even want to try hence, never having tried it. I really just think that it kept him held back from being the great man that I know he could be. I just wish he would give himself a chance.
   I am at that point in my life that I do want to get towards finding someone to settle down with and start a family with, but I think that he was just too broken from before that I couldn't do anything to help him. I tried. I tried everything I could, but I could only do so much when he wouldn't let me in. It's a horrible feeling when you live with someone and you feel alone or even just feel like a roommate. Rather than talk to me when he knew I was upset or something he just avoided it and became distant all together. It didn't make him feel comfortable so he didn't want to deal with it. For a while I was trying to be okay with the fact he hadn't taken me on a date in months, he stopped cuddling with me when watching tv, and even stopped holding my hand. I honestly have never worked so hard to make a relationship work than I did with Cool Rider. I don't think I even tried that hard with Captain Douchebag.
     I'm trying not to be really depressing. Really, I am. I am sucked into this void that I can't pull myself out of. I have always  been known for being a hopeless romantic. I find myself questioning those things I used to hold on to and I can feel those things slipping away. In a way it makes me feel better because then I am not putting too high of expectations on something and then getting sorely disappointed. However, I hate it. I really do. I still want to have hope of a "true love", a soul mate, something. The whole thing is getting fuzzy though.
    I can't stand the bitterness either. I am not sure how to get out of this funk I am in, but any help would be appreciated. I think I came out of this relationship even more battered and bruised than I was before going in. I know I'm not supposed to pick up all the pieces and I should just pick up what I can and move on. I want those pieces though. I worked so hard for those pieces and to leave them behind is hard for me to do. Those badges laying on the ground were what I earned for hurdling over my issues and actually putting myself back into a relationship. Damn you, Cool Rider. Damn you. The least you could have done was pick up those damn leaves and branches you left lying on my lawn during the winter. Yeah, I'm pissed. Not only did I have to clean those up after the snow melted and it started getting warm out, but because they sat on my lawn from when the first snow fell down to when the spring thaw came I now have four spots on my lawn of ridiculously hideous and dead grass. Four! My lawn is already in bad enough shape. Seriously though. How hard would it have been to clean them up when they were raked and chopped down? He had a truck to haul stuff away. We had garbage bags. His friends were over all the time it wasn't like they couldn't have helped him. After all, one of them was pretty much the one that started the piles in the first place. Fucker.
     This really is a depressing post. Sorry about that. I just needed to vent a little again and felt like I should post something. I know not many people read this thing anyway, but hey. Whatever. After the dust settled with everything another thought hit me. I'm back in the dating pool again. FML. Whoever thought of this whole dating thing really should be shot. It is one of the most miserable activities that one can fill their time with. It is one of those necessities though. That is if you don't want a mail order bride/groom and want to have a meaningful relationship with who you procreate with. It's just so much effort. I'm exhausted thinking about it. I've never been a good salesperson and that's basically what you are doing. You try to persuade the person of your interest that you are a worthy creature to mate with and start a family. In reality, we are all kind of like a prostitute. Granted, we don't get all cracked out on meth, strut on a corner and have to oil the hinges on our thighs before each "date", but it's the same basic concept. Sell your product. How degrading. How depressing. Especially for those that suck at selling things. People like me. So since I am not a cracked out hooker I have to start "selling my product" again and hope that I can find a great potential "buyer".
    This could be good news for you folks that still read this though. There is the potential to some new material that could provide a few minutes of entertainment for you while you wait for the new season of your favorite show to start again. I could also go back to my stories from where I left off. I did find my list. Yes, I made a list. I am very forgetful and wanted to make sure I got things in somewhat the right order and I didn't miss any good ones. Things overlap and run together for me. Hell, there are some things that I don't remember until someone tells me that they happened and I wouldn't have thought of in a million years. Shit happens. Anyway, I guess we will see what happens next.